Psychologists say if a man is over thirty and divorced, the probability of a successful marriage increases. The chances of a happy union are increased in comparison with the situation when a man is forty-five years old and he is not married yet. Why does it happen? In theory, a divorced man is focused on partnerships, and the status of an “avid bachelor” hides anything from infantilism to terry selfishness and the inability to build a family.
Romantic theory of the two halves in most cases does not work. If she were fair, the woman would quietly wait for her betrothed. He would not be in a hurry to try on a wedding ring in anticipation of the meeting. Having met, the two halves would have entered into legal marriage, had children and lived happily ever after. Of course, they would quarrel a little over trifles, but they would not even think about divorce. In practice, grooms often come to the registry office with a substantial number of stamps on the “marital status” passport page.
In order to have a good relationship with a divorced man, a woman will not hurt to find out about the circumstances of a previous marriage. Draw conclusions based on specific facts, open-minded opinions, but not on unverified gossip and rumors. For example, if a general acquaintance gives insistent advice not to get involved with a divorced boyfriend, consider whether she herself claims for his hand and heart?
The pros and cons of romance with a divorced man
He is aware that the family is not only solid holidays but also hard work. A divorced man understands: if the partners do not build harmonious relations, they will part. In addition to love, family idyll requires patience, balanced joint decisions, and the ability to compromise. In domestic terms, the ability of a man to negotiate with a woman is important.
For him, it will not be a discovery that the tastes of the spouses do not match. He will not faint, knowing that you are not happy with his habit of getting up at 6 am, do not like fishing and do not approve of his political views.
Family life experience
No matter how long the previous marriage lasted, he was there. Even a short stay in a married state gives invaluable experience for the future. The obvious advantage of a divorced man is that he knows: in addition to romantic dates, there are harsh family days. He gained valuable practical skills: how to pay bills for a communal flat, buy groceries, take out the garbage, and get a mammoth…
The main thing – he managed to survive the consequences of the shipwreck, is ready for a new relationship, is not afraid of serious obligations to the woman. Knowing that anything happens on the way, he is ready to take risks. Remember the advice: “Learn from mistakes.” There is a chance that the family ship under construction will be stronger than the previous one!
Negative moments of marriage with the “used fiancé” are individual. A common disadvantage is the following. Anyone who has experienced one divorce will prepare in advance for the possibility of the next one, so do not be surprised if your companion offers you to enter into a marriage contract.
Consideration of the situation will begin with the most important issue, as they say, for all times and peoples.
Why did you divorce?
Having learned the reason for the divorce, an intelligent woman will try on what happened to herself. Do not think that having met a decent companion, a man will change beyond recognition and become an ideal husband. If he managed to get married and divorce, then surely he was no longer a boy, but a mature personality with firm principles.
Marriage experts give the advice to analyze the seriousness of the reasons for separation from the former. If a divorced man is guilty of a joke, for example, he is conflicted, irresponsible, abuses alcohol, did not work, cheated, is unlikely, to be frank about the true cause of divorce.
Most likely, he will blame his wife, her relatives, and friends for breaking up. He himself will appear in white angel clothes. Transferring the blame to a partner is an alarm signal. Consider whether to continue the relationship with those who call the spouse a bitch. This option is quite acceptable, but to insult a woman, even the former, is unworthy.
Change the current man is incredibly difficult. Try to abstract and predict how your acquaintance will behave in a new relationship?
What should be alerted?
- Continuing complaints, accusations against the former. If a man recently divorced, but his former relationship does not let him go, it means that they are not yet completed. Male psychology is such that as long as the dots are not dotted over “i”, he will not be able to fully surrender to a new feeling. This is evident from the excessive vehemence, constant memories, and the desire to settle scores, to find the guilty. Such behavior does not mean that it should be deleted from the list of candidates for husbands. Take a pause; give it a “re-live” separation. A positive sign will be if the emotional intensity gradually decreases.
- Questions about past life cause fear. Avoiding the theme of a failed relationship, a divorced man hides violent emotions: shame, disgust, anger. In this case, the woman should follow the advice given above. Give him time to calm down, forget the offense, distance himself from the strong shock.
- Comparison with the previous partner. Causes alertness if a man pulls you into a triangle: he, you and the former. For example, she notices that the cutlets you make are much tastier. Constant comparisons mean that he wants to prove something or justify himself. These relationships here serve as a technical tool, and the main drama unfolds between the former spouses.
- Uncertainty. The apparent carelessness of a divorced guy is an alarm signal. In contrast to the described variants, here the relation to the gap is superficial. On the question of the reason for parting, he is surprised and says: “Probably he fell out of love”, “It didn’t work”. Such naivety indicates the immaturity of the individual, the lack of ability to self-analyze. Individuals traveling on the registry offices are not too responsible, capable of treason and impulsive acts.
It is worth considering if:
- Over the shoulders of men more than one unsuccessful marriage.
- The gap between official relations is too short.
- Divorces are due to numerous shortcomings of former wives.
- A divorced man shows ugly behavior in the process of parting.
The right attitude
The next aspect that deserves attention concerns the psychology of women. The main thing is to understand that it is impossible to change the past. If the idea of the existence of a former family is intolerable, it is better not to enter into problematic relationships. If you do not think of yourself without a divorced man, work on yourself, try to realize and accept this fact. Yes, he loved another woman, swore allegiance to her, spoke gentle words. Memories of her will remain in his memory forever. A happy relationship can be built only when such thoughts cease to cause pain.
If there are children left
A single woman with a child will definitely check the partner, as he treats a small family member. She is looking for not only a worthy husband but also a caring father. A normal divorced man necessarily takes this moment into account. If a woman conflicts with his children, she loses much in his eyes.
Psychologists often suggest clients answer the question: “How do you feel about the children of a divorced man?” Hating the continuation of a loved one is impossible.
Nobody invites with all his heart to love his children, but the elementary rules of decency should be observed. The child is not guilty that the parents failed to save the family, he is a hostage to this tragic situation.
Wise women experience advice: do not hinder meeting with children, on the contrary, try to make friends with them. Teenagers are difficult to put up with divorce, they experience psychological discomfort and a lot of unpleasant emotions: resentment, sadness, disappointment. The appearance of the father of a new woman is perceived as a confirmation of the irrevocability of care and are wary of her. Some irreconcilably protest, others – show approval, but rather because of the fear of losing the love of a dear dad.
Differentiated fatherhood is the only acceptable form of relationship for a divorced man. If he cares for children from a previous marriage, he will love your common babies. The task of the woman is to work out the rules of communication convenient for all. Give dad advice on how to rationally allocate free time so that no one suffers from lack of attention.
Attitude to the former
For most women, this moment becomes the most painful. Quite often, ex-wives enjoy the intelligence of a divorced man who is trying to settle former relationships. Especially if it is financially strong. These ladies always need help: you need to repair the car, take the children to school, help with repairs, etc.
Perhaps the requests are not intended to destroy the family idyll: they are used to the fact that he solved these issues. Worry about this is not worth it. This means that your chosen one is a mature, accomplished man. The fact that he maintains a civilized relationship after a break is an absolute plus.
In turn, the former wife is smart enough not to make hysterics. Of course, there is the likelihood of manipulation. If requests for help come in an endless stream, perhaps it’s time to get this idea across to the man. If the former begins to pull the blanket over himself too actively, he will rather get tired of splitting between the families.
Summary and Tips
Making an excursion into the past of your chosen one, collect a kind of mental record. Hem everything into “business”: stories about former families, photo and video recordings, current relations with former and children. Based on these facts, make a plausible forecast of your future history. If in doubt about your own intuition, contact a family psychologist.
An experienced specialist will give practical advice and make a psychological portrait of a man of interest. You will be aware of the risks and make an informed choice about whether to build a family.